The Liberals got into the equivalent of a political crying jag in late April, competing to let Canadians know how sorry they are for their behavior in government.
Finance minister Paul Martin was sorry, very sorry, that he had promised to abolish the GST and then reneged on the promise.
Deputy prime minister Sheila Copps was so sorry that she had promised to resign if the tax was not scrapped. It had been a mistake, a slip of the lip, she said. (Eventually, however, she did resign.)
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Now, Liberal apologies did not extend to their rural actions, but what if they had? It might have gone like this:
Chair: “Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen of the media. We have called this press conference because a few of our ministers want to unburden their consciences about what they have been doing to rural Canada.
“First up will be justice minister Allan Rock. Allan?”
Allan Rock: “Thanks, chairman. Now, I don’t believe I was wrong but I know some of my colleagues’ rural constituents do, so I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize to those rural Canadians who oppose my gun control rules, and to those of my colleagues who will not be here after the next election because of it.
“May I, in closing, add an apology for any heartburn my gay-rights amendment may give to rural Canada, although again, I think you and Reform are over-reacting. Thank you. David?”
David Anderson, transport minister: “Thanks. Like Allan, I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong but to those farmers who think I’ve given the railways too much power, I apologize.
“I must point out, though, that I share the blame with Doug Young, from whom I inherited these policies. Doug, would you like to come up to say a few words?”
Doug Young, human resources minister: “Thanks, David. If the people of rural Canada think I’m going to apologize for weaning them off the public teat, for eliminating the Crow, for giving the railways the freedom to do what they do best, they have another think coming.
“I’d do it again tomorrow, if I can find another subsidy to scrap.
“That’s all I have to say. Who’s next in this charade, anyway?”
Ralph Goodale, agriculture minister: “Uh, thanks Doug, I think. Well, I’m not sure I’ve done anything wrong, or at least that I had any choices.
“I know they say governing is making choices but I really don’t think we have many. There are trade agreements and laws and deficits and, well, governing isn’t what it used to be.
“So to the extent that people are unhappy that I have cut subsidies and reduced service and didn’t save the Crow, I apologize but it wasn’t my fault.
“But now that I have the floor, I would like to make an announcement about expanding the Internet into rural Kiwanis clubhouses. As you know, the Internet is the key to … (Fifteen minutes later, the chair intervenes.)
Chair: “Uh, Mr. Goodale, there are five more ministers to go and you have used up almost all the time. Could you wrap it up?”
