Freelance Columnist
opinion
Q: A younger male friend of mine has always put me, a woman, down in subtle ways. This became worse after I became secretary in an organization in which he was the chairperson. We are both married. Our spouses are not involved in the organization. Since we had to work together closely, we have had power struggles for some time.
Now I seem to be on the same playing field and accepted as an equal. What brought on the change I can’t really say. He’s a very private person. He has a lot of problems at home with his wife and children. But he seems to take out his frustrations on me. He has offered his ear whenever I am sad or frustrated.
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But when I offer him the same courtesy, he blocks me out. Yet he seems terribly lonely and often seeks my companionship on the phone or after social functions. If I get too close, trying to get him to share what bothers him, he puts up barriers. At many functions he seems to be content just to sit beside me and not say anything.
What bothers me is that he will not touch me in any shape or form, but he gives other women hugs, touches them on the arm, etc. If he enjoys my presence, which he appears to, why does he treat me like he does? I am a caring person. I always have to touch people when I talk to them. And others do that back to me as well. I used to touch him that way, but don’t now since he never touches back.
Am I to be his friend, which is what I think he wants, or do I ignore him? I know I could help him if he’d stop putting up these barriers. Am I wrong in wanting to be his friend? We have somewhat of a friendship now, but it is nerve wracking trying to figure just what it is he wants from me. I realize men won’t talk about personal things as easily as women. But I want to know his needs from me as a friend and how I can fulfil them.
A: Friendships between people of the opposite sex are often tricky, particularly when respective spouses aren’t involved. I have friends who have extremely close friendships with married women. But these friendships have clear boundaries which are never violated. In one case, a husband is relieved his wife’s close male friend provides her with someone to share her feelings and dreams with, something her husband doesn’t want to get involved in.
I’d have to hear from this man in order to give you an accurate opinion about this relationship. You say you have a good friendship. Yet you aren’t clear on his expectations of sharing or friendly hugging.
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You could try giving him this column, acknowledging that you wrote the letter, or saying it describes a relationship similar to yours with him. If you’re afraid he’ll put up barriers if you talk to him, write a note asking him to talk to you about its contents.
Friendships must fulfil needs on both sides. If he doesn’t want to share at the level you share, you may have to pull back and become acquaintances or organizational friends.
Please be careful. He may have strong emotional attachments toward you that he’s handling by keeping his distance. If you push for closeness and he brings those out, you might then have to push him away, perhaps farther from you than he is today.
I wish I had a clearer answer. Life presents us with numerous problems. And even if a problem is clear, answers are seldom as crystal.
