Marriage is something most people aspire to, yet many fail at. Why?
Years ago, marriage was seen as the only acceptable way to deal with an out-of-wedlock pregnancy. Now, thankfully, this happens less.
Others see marriage as the only alternative after they have gone steady with someone for a number of years. They often get married more out of the fear of hurting the other person’s feelings.
Some are not ready to deal with the responsibilities of marriage. I call this the immaturity gap. When one partner is less mature than the other, that gap tends to widen over time, often to the point that the more mature person starts to seriously question the relationship. Size up how mature a person is before you marry.
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Feelings and hormones are important, but so is assessing situations objectively. Some people may have unrealistic expectations of marriage such as:
- Your partner’s main job once you marry is to take care of you.
- You don’t need to continue to show consideration and caring after you are married.
- You will automatically understand your partner’s needs and feelings because you love them.
Some people don’t realize a marriage involves growing and adapting to your partner, to life and to yourself, all of which change over time.
Some time ago I wrote a column saying that you are always falling out of love with your partner and falling in love with whom he or she is becoming. A woman recently e-mailed me about that comment.
She said that she was falling out of love with what her husband was becoming. She was considering separation. I gave her ideas for assessing the relationship and communicating her concerns openly to her partner. Her response indicated that she was feeling trapped and wanted out, and was not willing to do the homework I had suggested.
People entering marriage need to know what they are getting into. Living together is not an option for some people because of their religious or spiritual values. People who choose to live together often go through the same emotional pains as married people, and often have the same hassles over financial support or custody of children if they break up.
Family interference can affect marriages. Couples need to assert their independence from family control and influence. Family businesses can also create tension if parents don’t know when to step back.
Marriages fail when people do not take responsibility for themselves and their behaviour and don’t show support and commitment to their partner.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is www3.sk.sympatico.ca/petecope.
