Q: As the parent of a young child, I get frustrated with him at times. I believe I have clearly told my six year old something. Then later I find out that he interpreted what I said completely differently. I also find him angry at me if things don’t go the way he wants them to go.
A: In the book The Pampered Child Syndrome, Maggie Mamen points out how common it is for children to perceive things differently than we intended. If this misperception is not recognized and corrected by the parent, she said the following problems may result:
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- We say that we want our children to be happy and comfortable. Children hear: “I should always be happy and comfortable. When I experience loss or failure, or feel sad, upset, frustrated or disappointed, someone should make me feel better.”
- We say we want our children to be stimulated and motivated to enjoy life. Children hear: “I should never be bored. I should only be asked to do things that are stimulating, not things that are tedious and boring. In fact, if it’s not interesting, I won’t do it.”
- We say we want our children to be treated equally and fairly. Children hear: “I should be treated the same as adults. If other people can do it, I should be able to do it too.”
- We want our children to have positive self-esteem. Children hear: “I should always feel good about myself.”
These are some of Mamen’s examples of how, due to our affluence, culture and advertising, children expect to always have the world focus on them when in reality, developing maturity involves having a balanced focus that includes others, and accepting that the world is, by nature, imperfect.
Parents need to help children adjust to growing up in a world that is less than perfect. Rather than having children expect to get everything they want, parents have to help them learn how to obtain what they can, and accept it as a future challenge rather than a failure when they don’t get what they want.
Discipline is not punishment. Discipline involves helping a child recognize consequences for his behaviour and to realize that he made a mistake but is not a mistake.
In this pre-season deluge of advertising, the best gift parents can give is to find ways that people can create their own gifts for each other.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is wwwsasktelwebsite.net/petecope.
