Sibling resentment
Q: One of our children has asthma and is quite sickly. As a result, we tend to baby her more than the other two. Her brother and sister have noticed this and resent it. How can we deal with this imbalance in the attention we give to the children?
A:It seems to me that “it’s not fair” is among the first dozen or so expressions that a young child learns after beginning to talk.
Because all children desire and appreciate attention from their parents, it is quite normal for them to resent it when one child gets more attention than the others, even if the extra attention is justified.
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Children seldom grow out of resentment or jealousy easily, but when they are eight or older, it is easier to discuss it with them and explain things more logically. With young children, emotions tend to rule over reason.
Try to get away from the idea that your asthmatic child is being babied. If
she is quite young, and thus needs more personal care and help with her medications, focus on that fact and provide the care and help without reinforcing it with a lot of emotional attention. I’m not saying you shouldn’t care, but with a medical condition, it is important that the child doesn’t learn to use it to gain attention. The child must learn to become as self-sufficient as possible.
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Try to arrange time to focus on each child as a person. If the other children have exclusive times with a parent on a regular basis, it won’t be such a contrast when the child with asthma has exclusive time as well.
If possible, have one parent take each of the three children out for an afternoon or a day, doing something they want with the parent of their choice. A child’s day out is important and reminding children of it for weeks in advance can make them content they will have the total attention of one of their parents.
Whatever you try may not be seen as fair by some of your children, including the one with asthma. But if as parents you are trying to balance the attention and time spent with each of your children, you are being as fair as you can.
