Q: My husband will put me down and make critical comments to me, especially when we are out socially. If I talk back, the put downs become even worse. What can I do about this situation?
A: Dealing with put downs is always difficult but especially so in front of other people. Dealing with put downs you receive in public from someone close to you, such as a spouse or a parent, is one of the hardest challenges in life.
If you don’t say anything in response, you are condoning the action. In other words, you are accepting what the person has said, even though it may have been rude, offensive or even abusive. When you say nothing, the other person will keep using put downs.
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However, if you challenge the person and reply back in defence, you may unwittingly complicate the problem. The person often becomes defensive, will argue and continue to put you down, perhaps with a cruder rebuttal.
People who put others down often don’t feel good about themselves, but don’t realize it consciously. As a way of coping with their hidden bad feelings, they lash out at others, often those closest to them.
Other people who witness the verbal attack don’t know how to respond. They likely feel anxious and uncomfortable about what has been said. They will often react by treating the situation as a humourous one and laugh it off.
If saying nothing continues the put downs and challenging the person increases his abuse, do you have any other options? The best response is a limited and assertive response. Reply firmly and calmly with the phrase, “I don’t appreciate that comment.”
This way you are challenging the statement and not attacking the person. You are simply giving your reaction to the comment.
The person may not listen. He may repeat what he said, or try to attack further. In that case, simply repeat the phrase, “I don’t appreciate that comment,” keeping calm and cool, and simply keep repeating that statement until the other person finally gets the message.
He may not admit he was wrong in what he said, but he will soon realize you are going to refuse what he has been saying.
There is one word of caution. If the person being verbally abusive has also been physically abusive to you in the past, and you are alone with him or her, leave and get to a safe place where you are around others. This may prevent the situation from becoming physical.
You have a right to respond when people verbally abuse you. The key is in choosing a response in which you stand up for your rights.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is www3.sk.sympatico.ca/petecope.
