A widow wrote to me about how one of her grandsons in his late teens comes out each weekend to help her with the outside work. She needs help with this so she can stay on the farm.
She appreciates the help from the grandson, pays him a modest wage, and as she wrote, “Neither of us knows a lot about farming, but we struggle along.”
She is concerned for this
grandson who has tended to be a loner in the past, partly she expects due to his parents separating when he was younger.
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He is quite independent and does not like to be told what to do. He prefers to learn from his own mistakes.
However, at the end of a day when he is tired, he is often open about some feelings and to listen to her ideas, when she is giving him a relaxing neck rub or foot massage.
The grandmother is concerned that she may be making him too dependent on her because she seems to be the only person he
really opens up to.
To her, I would say:
Your grandson has formed a strong and positive parent bond with you since his mid-teens, partially because he feels in a conflict of loyalty with his parents after their separation.
You also indicate he wants to become a rancher and has saved money to start a small cow-calf operation at your farm.
To me, he is searching for meaning and purpose in life, socially and occupationally.
You can support his dream about farming, but also encourage him to continue with his education and gain a trade so he will be able to
finance his dreams. Caution him about going too deep and too fast into debt.
Don’t worry that he may be a
late social bloomer. Some young people are comfortable in peer
social groups at an early age. Others need to gain confidence in themselves before they feel OK being open with others.
You might want to encourage him to check out the tips on communication or gaining confidence in starting conversations and new activities that can be found on my personal website at www.sasktelwebsite.net/petecope. If he doesn’t own a computer, he can access one through the public library.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is www.sasktelwebsite.net/petecope.
