Q: I hope you will be able to help me. I am feeling the lowest I have ever felt. I farm by myself and am successful at it. My ex-partner had been in an abusive marriage. We were together six years. Because of farm work and the livestock, I could never get away for a proper honeymoon.
My life was unbalanced because I worked all the time. As a result, our relationship suffered. We tried to have a family but she miscarried. I was so disappointed that I didn’t discuss it. I didn’t even go with her to the hospital. Instead, I got drunk.
Read Also
Vintage power on display at Saskatchewan tractor pull
At the Ag in Motion farm show held earlier this year near Langham, Sask., a vintage tractor pull event drew pretty significant crowds of show goers, who were mostly farmers.
I also thought I was a responsible drinker, but my ex was against my using alcohol and disliked my friends who drank. This soured our relationship. We verbally abused each other. I accused her of being lazy. I also hated myself for some of the things I said. She was a reader. I was a doer. She smoked, and I had quit some time ago. We drew apart, but she did love me, and I loved her, if you can imagine. We both got physically abusive.
I believed loyalty was important. I felt hurt when she talked about our fights with her mom or her friends, particularly when she portrayed herself as always being the victim. We saw a counselor once, but my ex refused to go back when she was advised not to argue with me when I was drunk, but to wait until the next day. Then when she wanted to go for counseling later, I refused.
I had an affair a couple of years ago. That person was rebounding from a relationship. It seemed like we needed each other, as bad as that sounds.
I moved out, and encouraged my partner to move to town, since I had to farm. She did so a few months later. I moved into an empty house and paid some hefty lawyer bills.
A: It sounds like neither of you could cope with each other without being abusive. When anyone pays back abuse with more abuse, it is bound to get worse. If you can’t live with someone without abuse occurring, it is important to get out for a while so you can look at the relationship more objectively.
I have to challenge your view of being a responsible drinker, particularly when you turned to drinking after the miscarriage. It is not when you drink or particularly how much you drink that determines an alcohol problem, but why you drink and what happens then.
Your relationship is over, and I sense you both realize it is best that way. But you need to take a good look at your drinking, and Alcoholics Anonymous is the best route to do so. The 12 steps of AA can bring emotional and spiritual health. You need this before you and alcohol can coexist in the world. You also need to recognize early warning signs of becoming abusive. A men’s treatment group, available for free in most cities, can help you with that.
