Dealing with stepchildren
Q: My friend recently married a farmer and got two teenage stepchildren with the package. Since teenagers are bound to be difficult anyway, do you have any ideas on how to handle discipline and money problems?
A: Raising teenagers is certainly a challenge. They are in the crisis of being “in-between,” no longer a child, and not yet an adult with full rights and responsibilities. But by using openness, good communication, parental teamwork, fairness and good old applied common sense, such a task can be enjoyable.
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You didn’t mention how long the children had been without a mother, or whether it was the result of a divorce or death, or how old they were at the time. These facts definitely affect how teenagers react to a new mother figure. If their mother died, they will likely grieve for a long time, and may resent their father remarrying regardless of how long ago it was.
If the parents separated or divorced, the teenagers likely have mixed feelings of allegiance to each parent, some good and some bad. And, of course, the degree of contact they have with their “real” mother has a big bearing on what influence you can have.
There are a number of practical, helpful books on stepparenting: Cinderella Revisited by Peter Marshall, Whitecap Books, 1993; Stepparenting by Jean & Veryl Rosebaum, E.P. Dutton, 1977 (old, but good and likely in most libraries); The Blended Family by Tom & Adrienne Frydenger (which has a Christian perspective, but not overpowering); Stepparenting by Philip Rice, Condor, 1979 (old and perhaps hard to locate in a library, but very practical); and Living in Step by Ruth Roosevelt & Jeannette Lofas, Tab-McGraw Hill, 1977.
There may be other good books published more recently and if readers pass on the names, authors and publishers, I will list them in a future column.
Women in this situation must remember they are not the teenagers’ mother, so don’t try to be. But you are their father’s wife, whether or not they are happy about that. If you get a negative reaction, acknowledge their feelings and indicate you will respect their feelings, but that their father chose to marry you, and this was his decision, not theirs, so it’s something they have to accept.
Also as his wife, you still have a role in their lives as one of the adult leaders in the home.
Make sure you and your husband discuss all issues about the teenagers thoroughly and are prepared to back each other up. If at all possible, when major issues have to be dealt with, do it together in front of them. And the two of you may wish to rehearse and plan who brings up what and who talks about or responds to what.
Is being a stepparent any different for a farming family or a town or city family? It likely is. Farm families are much more dependent on each other for emotional support, for practical help around the farm and for transportation. And there are usually far fewer people handy to vent your frustrations to, so those who get vented get a pretty healthy dose.
It may be a bit more of a challenge, but if you work together, have a strong commitment as a couple and read up on some of the specific strategies of stepparenting, that challenge can be overcome.
