Infidelity is destructive. It destroys trust and can kill love and respect.
The intensity of hurt and angerit may bring can result in dangerously aggressive behaviour or even death.
Recovery and healing are needed after an affair. The one cheated on has to heal, but the one who cheated has to recover as well. Recovery of any kind is based on building positives in life to replace the negatives you have experienced.
The perpetrator has to work on self-healing in different ways from the person who was cheated on. Forgiving oneself is often the hardest thing to do. Despite how remorseful a person may feel, and how much he may beg for forgiveness, the focus on healing and changing oneself must be on positives, such as fidelity.
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Promises to your partner don’t carry as much weight as commitments you make about yourself and your behaviour, day by day.
Fidelity, or faithfulness, as it is often referred to, is something you do for someone else.
For example, in marriage vows, the vow is often seen as being made with your partner. In reality, fidelity is a vow you make with yourself.
Fidelity is like honesty. Unless you apply it to yourself, it isn’t much help. When fidelity is not honoured, relationships and self-esteem suffer.
Although the two people have to cope, both as individuals and as a couple with the devastating effects that infidelity has on their relationship, the person who has erred needs to come to grips with himself or herself, understand why he let the infidelity happen, and then make a new contract about fidelity with himself.
Reminding yourself daily about this fidelity doesn’t involve beating yourself up about the mistakes of the past. It is a reminder of how you are being responsible for your behaviour. It is a reminder that you don’t have to respond to unhealthy thoughts or urges, providing you wake up each morning with a renewed conviction that you are going to be faithful to what you want your life to stand for.
For someone who has difficulty with being faithful, I recommend seeking personal counselling, or using a self-help group, either Sexaholics Anonymous or Love and Sex Addicts Anonymous.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is www3.sk.sympatico.ca/petecope.
