Spouse won’t leave the farm
Q: My parents are ready to retire from farming. At least, Mom is. Dad won’t even consider moving to town. But Mom wants to be around other people. She doesn’t like having to drive, often quite a distance, to get to every social event, or to be so isolated in the winter. No one in the family is taking over the farm. They rent out all of their land. How can I help Dad see he should move?
A: Anyone who has tried to get a farmer to retire knows too well the expression, “You can take the farmer away from the land, but you can’t take the farm out of the farmer.”
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It sounds like your mother is ready to retire from farming as well as the farm. Your father isn’t at the same point. Since he rents the land, he has at least temporarily retired from active farming. But to him, he may not have yet fully retired. He’s only letting someone else do the cropping for him. To get him to retire from the farm itself may be more difficult.
Part of this problem is that farm women’s careers tend to be relationship-oriented. They raise the children and help in community organizations. But the human contact and the sharing of feelings that occur in these activities are as important, if not more important, than the task at hand.
Men tend to focus on concrete tasks. And even if they are not actively farming, most inactive or retired farmers like to feel as if they are still farming. Why else are there faithful coffee klatches in the cafes of every small town on the Prairies? Relationships and feelings aren’t discussed at these gatherings. The focus is on safe topics like the weather, the crops, or governments of every level. If feelings are expressed, they are usually negative.
Another reason men may hesitate to move off the farm is fear of change and the unknown. Having focused on being a farmer all their lives, many men don’t know any other way to see themselves. I would guess that men who develop non-farm focused hobbies and interests find a move less threatening.
Instead of facing a black and white choice of staying on the farm or abandoning it totally, some couples move to a town or nearby city for half the year. Winter life is less stressful in towns and cities. It offers a couple the chance to try out retirement without being trapped into it full time.
Yes, it involves extra costs, such as renting a house or an apartment. And it may involve moving some of the furniture back and forth. But when a farm couple have different feelings about leaving the farm, it can be one way that each partner can show respect and consideration for the other’s feelings. And isn’t that what marriage, on or off the farm, is all about?
If you are having trouble with some aspect of your life write to Peter Griffiths in care of this newspaper. Griffiths is a mental health counsellor and member of the Canadian Mental Health Association. Letters appearing in this paper may be edited to protect the writer’s identity, however all are based on authentic situations.
