Behavior upsets spouse
Q:My husband humiliates me by the attention he gives to another woman, who is often at events we attend. She has a reputation of having low morals, particularly with respect to men. There was a time when their contact was more than just friendly, but he has never admitted this, so amends have never been made to me.
He did not take any responsibility for the hurt that his actions caused me, and I just became angry and abusive in return.
Read Also
Stock dogs show off herding skills at Ag in Motion
Stock dogs draw a crowd at Ag in Motion. Border collies and other herding breeds are well known for the work they do on the farm.
I believe there is a real sacredness in a good marriage, but I find it difficult to experience any of this under these circumstances.
I see him being dishonest. I wonder if he is too weak to ignore her attention when she manages to break down his defenses. He remains insensitive to anything I say.
A: From your letter it is hard to know how much you are assuming and reacting, and how much your husband’s behavior toward this woman is inappropriate for a married man. Neither you nor your husband have any control over her behavior. Your husband is responsible for his behavior. And you are responsible for sharing with concern and consideration feelings you may be experiencing in reaction to his behavior.
But your feelings are created by your thoughts, ideas and beliefs, which in turn are being challenged by her behavior in the community.
If there is a specific action of your husband’s that bothers you, write it down in a note with as much detail of his behavior as possible. Then, later read that note again.
Carefully look for how you may have exaggerated or assumed certain things, and if so, remove them. Finally, when you know the facts are reasonably accurate, remember that they are the facts as you saw them.
Others, including your husband, may have seen them differently.
If you have a family member or friend you trust, check out your perception with him or her first, and then sit down and discuss it with your husband, using your notes to keep yourself accurate.
You may even want to suggest to him ways that you and he can feel comfortable in this other person’s presence, and he comfortable with the behavior guidelines you both discuss and agree to.
You allude to them having a closer relationship, which bothered you, and may have been inappropriate in the past. But the past is over. Don’t keep going back over what you cannot change.
If you and your husband want to send me more details about this situation, I will try to respond to you. If I use it in a future column, I will alter details so they won’t be recognized by your neighbors.
