Q: My 52-year-old wife and I need help. Her life has been turned into bitterness by her upbringing and previous failed marriages.
According to her, I am always to blame. She is screaming a false tale of abuse and says she needs freedom. She seems to have little positive self-worth or image, and has a negative attitude toward me. She can’t seem to see what she has done and is not willing to give up this mood.
A: I need more information to help you with this situation. I don’t know how long you have been together, or details of her and your previous relationships. Past relationships often interfere with the present. Perhaps the two of you need to see a counsellor, given the intensity of the crisis.
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I don’t know if she has never resolved pains from the past or is going through major hormonal adjustment related to menopause, or is quite depressed. A medical checkup will help to assess this.
A healthy relationship is based on a balance between meeting your own needs and respecting those of your partner. You need to assist but not take over your partner’s life.
I suspect that because she feels so low about herself, for whatever reason, she has difficulty meeting her needs. Then she dumps all her frustration on you. Whether she starts off with a medical checkup or contacts one of the counselling services in your area, it is important for you to tell her, in a loving way, how important she is to you. Encourage her to talk about the situation with a caring, concerned individual.
Since you initially contacted me through the internet, there are excellent resources on the effects of hormonal adjustments of menopause on women available there. Suggest she explore on-line for information about that and low self-esteem.
However, you are her partner, not her therapist. Share your love for her and your concern for the anger, pain or frustration she is going through.
Some people don’t realize that an ongoing marriage involves growing and adapting to your partner, to life and to yourself, all of which change over time. Marriage also means being able to move past previous experiences to focus on the present. From what you wrote, I suspect your partner has been hurt before and keeps reliving that hurt.
None of us is perfect, and she may find it hard to bring up concerns about you in a way that you will be able to hear and understand. People with low self-esteem find it difficult to share with people who they fear may reject or criticize them in return.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is www3.sk.sympatico.ca/petecope.
