Healing from abusive marriage a slow process
Q: My children and I recently left a 15-year marriage because my husband was verbally abusive to us. I felt if I stayed I was teaching them to abuse others or to accept it from others. Friends pointed out to me that I have been abused financially and intellectually as well – in fact, in every way other than physically.
Once I left, he quickly became the father my children should have had years ago. He now plays with them, takes them places and buys the things they need. He has become apologetic toward me, loving, and wants us to go for counseling together. He was never so willing. He also attends church and talks about praying for us. I’m afraid he will get a hold on me again emotionally. I am in counseling, as are the children. I’ve read The Emotionally Abused Woman.
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What are the things my husband needs to do? I alternate between ignoring him and accepting that he is on his own journey. I wonder if I should give him something like a victim’s impact statement, with a list of actions he could take. There is a group here for abusive men.
What things can I do now for myself and the children, so we can go on from here? I have moved from feeling miserable to feeling neutral. How do I get from neutral to content or happy? I’ve been away from him about two months and there is nothing of him that I miss. And the children don’t fight like they used to.
A: Be honest with your husband that you can’t consider counseling or reconciliation until you feel more comfortable with him and with yourself. This may take a year or longer.
Let your husband know you can understand that he wants to reconcile quickly. Indicate that although you can’t promise how you feel in the future, the more he works on learning about changing himself, the more you may be able to reach the point of feeling comfortable and not afraid emotionally.
About a victim’s statement, make the offer. Let him decide if he would like to receive it.
He has a personal healing journey to take. He needs to understand himself and make the changes he believes are helpful so he is a better person and partner.
You have a similar journey that in some ways is more difficult. Because of the past pain, you will see and react to any minor slips he may make. This will easily trigger resentment, disappointment and rage. Learn to accept your own anger and the hidden emotions behind it, such as hurt, fear, and disappointment. Talk out that feeling to yourself through a diary or someone else, such as a counselor or a support group.
I believe abusive men can change. But change doesn’t happen overnight. It takes at least a year for a man to recognize his emotions and learn to handle them in a healthy and non-abusive manner.
Most who attend programs for abusive men have been physically abusive and have been sent there by the courts. But my experience has shown that men with emotional and verbal controlling behaviors often make the best progress in such groups, but only if they go because they want to learn and change, and only if they stick with the group program for a year.
Abusive marriages improve when both people deal with themselves and choose to change.
