Dealing with divorce
Q: I’ve been divorced a number of years. I read many books on divorce, including Re-Building by Bruce Fisher and Crazy Time – Surviving Divorce by Abigail Trafford.
How do you handle it when a person leaves you and never says what you did wrong? This happened to a friend. Also, why don’t men seem to be honest in their communications? Why do they give the impression they care, when in fact, they only want sex. Why are men afraid to tell a person, “Hey, I met someone else,” instead of using the line, “I need time?” People may be at different levels of commitment, but I wish a man could be honest and communicate from his heart.
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Please tell me of other books dealing with divorce that can help someone realize it’s still possible to rebuild a life and relearn how to love and trust again. How long does it take a person to stop living in the past? I realize some men end a relationship feeling very hurt and low, but why do they try to find their answers and healing through sex?
A: The questions you’ve asked are generally asked by most people going through divorce or separation. Becoming trapped in obsessively focusing on “Why did it happen?” or “What do I have to do to get him/her back?” only hinder rather than help, once the relationship has gone past the point of no return.
Sometimes, however, a person knows it is over logically but refuses to accept it emotionally. They try to live in the past and magically change things that cannot be changed, since they’ve already happened. Thoughts like “If only …” “Why couldn’t I have … ” or “Why couldn’t she/he … ” pull the person into the past, rather than help him or her deal with the present and move toward the future. You seldom have all the answers. Often you don’t even have a few of them.
The other person may not tell you them for several reasons. They may be afraid of you. You may not realize how your voice, facial expression or body language comes across to them. Or, they may be embarrassed and not want to face you. And, sometimes because people don’t nurture and nourish their relationship, what once was a close emotional relationship totally disintegrates, with neither partner really understanding why.
Boastful attitude
Some men have a hard time with being honest because the dominant (and unhealthy) male culture in our country is dishonest. Many men brag, boast and lie to each other. Many men equate love or relationships with sexual intercourse, and often put the cart before the horse.
Re-Building by Bruce Fisher, which you mention, is one of the best books available. It points out the emotional building people must go through in order to heal themselves. And until you feel relatively whole again, you’re not in very good shape to make a success of the next relationship.
Mel Krantzler’s first book, Creative Divorce, is interesting and helpful. However, his second book, Learning To Love Again, was written after he met someone, formed a deep and personal friendship with her first, later became romantically involved and eventually married. He and his partner even recognized and dealt with their panic over getting married after they had been living together for a while. They have jointly written a new book recently, The Seven Marriages Of Your Marriage, which I recommend to any couple.
For men, I recommend any of the books written by Herb Goldberg about maleness, available in paperback. My handout package of materials on separation can also be ordered from Sunrise Specialty Books, 2727 – 2nd Ave., Prince Albert, S6V 5E5, 306-764-2242, for $4.
