Moody person takes detachment
Q: My husband is subject to mood swings. I find it hard to deal with him when he is down, and not be pulled down with him. Can you give me any suggestions about how to go about being detached from his moods, without seeming to be uncaring and callous? He gets upset with me if I don’t feel angry or disturbed about some situations that upset him.
A: Being detached is your only way of survival, or of being able to help him. If you allow yourself to be pulled down when he is depressed, then who is left to take care of things? There was nothing in your marriage vows in which you promised to feel the same or think the same as your partner. Instead, the vows focused on loving, caring and supporting. And in order to do these, you must take proper care of yourself.
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When someone is down, their partner needs to let them know, honestly, fairly and as objectively as possible, how they are coming across, and if their feelings and ideas don’t fit the real world around them. Depression can be described as a fog or filter that darkens one’s experience, view or outlook on life. For this reason, although you need to acknowledge how a depressed person is feeling, you also need to remind them about the positive realities around them, and if necessary, encourage them to get help for their depression.
Detachment involves stepping back far enough so you can take care of yourself, but not so far that you lose perspective of the other person’s needs. You can’t take care of your partner emotionally. You can only care for him or her. These guides for detachment are adapted from an Al-Anon pamphlet:
- Don’t get caught up in suffering for or feeling responsible for what the other person has done or how they feel.
- Don’t let the depressed person use you as an emotional punching bag. If they say something that is unfair or hurting, tell them it was unfair or hurting and to stop. They have the right to feel upset, but not the right to try to upset or attack you.
- Don’t do for a depressed person what they can and need to do for themselves. You can encourage them, even accompany them if necessary, but firmly nudge them into doing what they need to do in life in order to take care of themselves.
- Don’t cover up the other person’s mistakes. We all make mistakes and need to face them. And we can all learn from these. If you cover up for the person, you take away their right and need to be responsible for themselves.
- Avoid manipulating someone just because they’re in a bad mood. Be honest about what you see happening. Don’t play games with them.
- Don’t let yourself get caught into blowing up at something when you don’t want to. Sometimes a person will push you into such a situation and blame you for causing it, when you didn’t.
- Don’t prevent a crisis from occurring if it is a logical and natural course of events in response to someone else’s actions. You can’t talk or beg someone into facing reality. You can only let the reality come to them, although you can be there to support them when they face it.
Loving your husband does not involve being responsible for him. And loving yourself means you must confront him when his behavior or attitude is not fair to you or is wrecking his life. But only he can live that life.
