Negativity hard to deal with
Q: How can you deal with a person who sees the negative side in everything? No matter what you say or do, there is always something else better. There is just no pleasing this person. Ironically it appears this person has everything anyone could imagine having – money, no debts, freedom and material things, and lacks for nothing except perhaps self-worth and internal strength and satisfaction.
Fortunately, this person sought professional help, was hospitalized and is being treated for depression. Mental illness is serious. It should not be taken lightly. It can be controlled by medications and counselling in many cases.
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However, this person and others think they can overcome the problem totally on their own. Friends and family do all they can to help the situation, but to no avail. It’s like hitting your head against a brick wall. How do you help people who don’t want to help themselves?
A: Your questions at the beginning and end of your letter can be answered the same way. You can’t do something to change someone else. You can only change yourself. An old riddle goes: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.
Share viewpoint
Respond to negative thinkers by refusing to validate or support their view of life. You can’t tell them how to feel, but you can certainly share how you feel.
If their comments are unrealistic, you can respond, “I have trouble with that point of view,” and then say how you see the situation. Don’t challenge their opinions in a confronting style.
Instead, express concern or confusion about their views, and share an alternate way to look at things. If people are opinionated, bigoted or just plain stubborn, you may not influence their views at all. But at least you have comfort in knowing you told them how you saw the situation.
Signs of depression
Stubbornness, negative attitudes and hostility are often coverups for a lack of self-worth or even depression. If a person cries excessively, withdraws from others and can’t get anything done, it’s a clear sign they’re likely depressed. Irritability, negative thinking and obnoxious behaviors can also be warning signs of depression.
As a mental health counsellor I respect the value of medications in treating emotional illnesses. And some of us have bio-chemical weaknesses or shortcomings and need medication to stay well. But there is a danger in believing pills alone are all that is needed. Some doctors and psychiatrists believe this, and instead of reviewing how a patient is learning to cope emotionally and socially with life, they only look for obvious symptoms of illness and prescribe accordingly. I disagree with this approach. Medications realign your bio-chemistry so that you can start to think well and practise healthy living. But personal support and counselling are as important as any medication.
The biggest barrier to recovery from an emotional illness or crisis is false pride. It feels good to work on things, make some progress and then handle things better. But to expect to do it totally on your own is foolish.
Unless you share with others, and others give you feedback on how they see you doing, you never know how well you are. You may think you are doing great, even though you are really making a mess of things.
Only when you involve others in your life do you get accurate feedback and helpful guidance. But if people lock you out, there is little you can do, or that they’ll get done.
