Last week I talked about men’s sexual problems. Women may have problems experiencing orgasm or climax. They are also affected by a partner’s problem, such as getting or maintaining an erection.
Many men falsely believe that to bring a woman to orgasm, you must find the right buttons and push them as often as is required. A woman receives a lot of sexual excitement through clitoral stimulation, but the key for most women to experience sexual excitement is a feeling of togetherness and being cared for. Acts of consideration usually turn on a woman more than the greatest mattress acrobatics.
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Because of this, rushed or pressured sex is usually not very satisfying to a woman. A man can get in the mood for sex in a matter of minutes. A woman needs a period of courtship, both emotional and physical. Ironically, in many marriages, the hours of affection and tenderness shown by a man during courtship get compressed into minutes or seconds after marriage.
For a woman to be sexually satisfied, she needs to discover what moods and actions help her body become sexually awake. She needs to know what her body needs. Rather than having her partner guess what turns her on, she needs to tell him, positively and gently and also, diplomatically.
Tend to personal needs
Since women are the traditional givers and nurturers in our culture, they often find it hard to ask for what they want. But a woman needs to guide her partner in his lovemaking. After all, he is making love to her, and it is her body as well as her sexual response. So it’s ultimately her job to take care of her needs.
If a woman’s partner has a physical problem that affects his erection, a woman can assist him to focus on her and still bring her satisfaction in other ways. Even if it is soft, a man can still provide some stimulation to his partner with his penis. Also, providing both feel comfortable about it, he can use his mouth or hand to excite her. Also, a couple can experience sexual closeness in non-genital ways.
The biggest communication block in sex is that men quite often don’t listen to what women tell them. Men tend to be so focused on performance and the act of intercourse they fail to realize that what happens beforehand is as important as intercourse itself.
I personally oppose the word “foreplay.” All interaction between lovers, at whatever level of emotional or physical intimacy involved, is lovemaking. And when lovemaking is a total part of the relationship, sexual intimacies follow naturally, subject to the varying and particular needs of each person. There’s no quota on how much sex is needed for a good marriage.
Talking about your feelings, fears and what you need from your partner are the most important keys in sex.
A few years ago, a husband-wife sex therapy team in Saskatoon, Carolyn and Bill Chernenkoff, did a series of programs on Saskat-chewan CBC Radio’s afternoon show. This series has been published as a book, Sex Is A 13-Letter Word, published by Verbal Dance, Saskatoon, distributed by Centax Books, Regina. It’s excellent reading for any couple.
