How to avoid hurt feelings
Q: I have quite a few sisters, all married and with children. When one of my sisters and her children come to our family get-togethers, the children come very hungry. They just eat and eat, forgetting that other people have to eat as well. They will sit near the food and continue eating until it’s all gone. And she never brings any food to contribute.
It is embarrassing, especially if our friends are there. We wonder at times if we should invite them. She is a good person in many ways, but we feel upset about how her children behave. What should we do? We don’t want to hurt her.
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A: If you don’t talk to her about this issue, you will probably end up hurting her since your frustrations will come out in other ways. If you are considerate, respectful and polite when you raise the issue, you will not hurt her feelings. If she chooses not to listen, to misinterpret or become defensive, then she is the one who is hurting her own feelings.
When you need to tell someone something that may make them defensive or hurt, the following formula known as a DESC script is useful. DESC stands for Describe, Express, Specify and Consequences. You rehearse what you are going to say in advance. You deal with the situation by preparing. Thinking on the spot doesn’t usually produce the best results.
To use a DESC script, first describe objectively the facts of the situation. Describe it as if you were reporting it for a newspaper or testifying under the oath. What did you see or hear? What were other people doing? Avoid words like “always” or “never” since they aren’t factual or objective. Avoid jumping to conclusions. The phrase, “Every time your kids visit…” will create defensiveness instantly. It is better to say “on the last four times that your children visited us” and describe their behavior accurately without judging them.
Express your feelings using “I” statements. “I felt embarrassed,” or “I felt concerned for our other guests” is a non-aggressive way of sharing the impact of the behavior. Also, speak for yourself. You cannot speak for how other people feel.
Specify what change you would like to happen. You must be specific. “I would like your children to behave better,” doesn’t say it exactly enough. “I would like your children to wait until others have eaten before they have a second helping,” is a more accurate statement. Depending on the ages of the children, you might also give them the message.
Finally, tell the consequences of respecting or ignoring your specific request. “If you do this, we will appreciate it” is one form of positive consequence. “If you respect our wishes, we will have something special for dessert for the next time you visit” is even more specific. You also need to spell out the consequences of not respecting your request. “If you don’t do this, we will not let you sit right by the food,” or “If people are eating all the food and not leaving any for later, we will need to put the food away as soon as everyone has had something to eat.”
To deal with the problem, you will have to risk hurting your sister’s feelings. But if you express yourself using the DESC script, you are not hurting her. It is her decision what to do.
