When women are abusive
For over 12 years I have worked closely with men who are abusive toward women. I often write about this topic in The Western Producer. A woman wrote to me recently maintaining that her son had been the victim of abuse received from his wife.
Yes, it happens, but rarely. The comment from men, “But, she was abusive, too” is more often an attempt by them to justify their own abusive behavior. I’m not saying that some women are not abusive, emotionally or verbally, and on rare occasions, physically. But a woman’s abusive behavior should not be used as an excuse by a man to justify his own abuse. And too often it is. And also much too often, women who were not abusive to start with end up fighting back in ways that surprise both themselves and their partners.
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Yes, some women may be abusive verbally and emotionally or even physically. Their aggressive behavior could be the result of abuse they experienced at the hands of an earlier partner. Drinking also may bring out feelings and behavior that otherwise might have been kept in.
Also, some people are just not very nice. And some of these people may be women. If a man gets into a relationship with someone who is not nice, he needs to think twice about staying in it. Some people, men or women, may be self-centered and may be unwilling to focus on anyone else’s concerns.
Abusing someone back is just as abusive as abusing. Among the thousand or so men I have worked with in my New Choices For Men Program, the number who were themselves victims of spousal abuse could be counted on one hand. And in these few cases, these men were victimized both by their partners and by the legal system.
But almost all spouse abuse, particularly harmful and dangerous physical abuse, is carried out by men against their female partners. This can be documented by emergency room records, police call records and murder statistics. Men are generally bigger and stronger than women. Men have more ready access to weapons of violence, like firearms. Men are much more conditioned by society to use force to get their way. And if their partner doesn’t do what they want, such men tend to punish them.
If a man feels he is abused by a partner, what can he do? He can share with his partner what he likes and doesn’t like about the relationship, but without being abusive or threatening. If his partner doesn’t want to listen to him or argues back, he needs to: Make sure he expresses himself without attacking his partner personally; restate his concerns in a way that also acknowledges her feelings and concerns; and consider what he needs to do and is going to do about the relationship, if she refuses to recognize his concerns.
He may seek counselling. He has the right to take care of himself. He is in charge of himself. He does not need to abuse in return, but he also doesn’t have to live with an abusive person.
