Q: I have been married 14 years. My husband is older than me. He is better educated and has always had a professional and academic career. Because of this, the balance of power was shifted in his favour I followed him around in
his career, leaving jobs and my education.
We now have two children ages 9 and 6. I am going out of my mind because not only is my husband neglectful, condescending, controlling and never tells me he loves me, but I live far from the support of people who love me.
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Now that my children are in school, I have more time to focus on myself. I want to go back to school. To do this, I need to move where I can be near my family, and pursue a degree and eventually have a life.
But, I have two young children who
I would be dragging away from their father, and I
A: The decision really lies in your husband’s hands. If after reading this, he wakes up and realizes that he has to recognize your emotional and personal needs, there may be hope in your marriage. But if he rationalizes away the issue, there isn’t much hope.
Yes, you do need to look ahead 10 years or so and make plans now to take care of yourself. Too many women wait too long, and never get the chance to do so.
The first step is to confront your husband about your feelings and fears for the future. This is best done in writing, since words evaporate quickly. Then give him some time to think about which
He needs help to learn that marriage is primarily a relationship of positive emotional commun-ication with your partner. I would recommend that you both start off with individual counselling, since I suspect your husband needs to get in touch with himself before he can be open and honest with you.
Should he be willing to learn about himself and change, then perhaps the two of you can come up with a compromise that allows you to become the full person, emo-tionally and professionally, that you have a right to be.
I have e-mailed you the power and control wheel and the equality wheel. I will do the same for other readers.
More information about the wheels is available by going to www.producer.com and typing “power wheel” in the go box.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is petecope.sasktelwebsite.net.Cover back even
