Q: I came across your article on the internet about couples who are forced to spend long periods of time apart because one of them has to work away from home for weeks at a time. My husband and I have been in this situation for almost seven years. It is starting to get to me. At times I feel like a single parent and I and the kids are just a safety net for him; somewhere to stop in and get rested up from time to time. It seems like he has two lives – one on the road and one with his family. I feel guilty for my feelings of resentment. I don’t know how much longer I can take it.
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A: Many mining and oil exploration jobs involve flying out for anywhere from a week to a month without getting back home. The money is good, but the family cost is often high.
Working opposite shifts, even in the same household, creates stress for couples and families. If both spouses work 12 hour shifts, with different days off, they don’t see much of each other. The couple may be home, but one or both are tired or sleepy and can’t give each other their full attention.
Farming families used to cope with work pressures and limited personal time only at seeding and harvesting. Now, so many men or women work off the farm to keep it viable.
Here are some ideas to help stay close and relax:
- During the spouse’s absence make personal long distance calls to him a positive experience. If a minor thing is bothering you, write it down in a notebook for further reference instead of discussing it on the phone. By the time you are back together, the issue may have disappeared. Or, if it hasn’t, the notes you made may help you handle it more objectively and realistically.
- The day of re-entry is often stressful. Things can get heated up quickly. One party is tired from working and travelling and wants to get home to rest and recuperate. The other person may be feeling lonely and resentful at the full load she has carried in her partner’s absence. Agree not to discuss major issues for the first few hours or even the first day. If you have written issues down in advance, they won’t change much in 24 hours.
- Give each other personal space if needed when he first gets home. But intersperse mutually acceptable amounts of emotional or physical affection. During their time together, each party needs to be able to negotiate a personal day where they aren’t required to have any major household or parenting responsibility. However, they can choose to involve their partner or one or more of the children in that day, if they wish.
- Mom needs a break from parenting for a day. Whether this is a couple outing with a sitter at home, a family outing that she plans, or just a solo day for herself, that is hers to decide.
- Household chores need to be shifted while the husband is home. After his respite time, he needs to be willing to assist in chores such as vacuuming, laundry and meals. Modern marriage is a partnership relationship and this means both men and women help in all aspects of the home management.
- Dates need to be planned. Depending on how long the husband is home, a minimum of one fun date and one talking date per week is crucial. The talking date involves discussion of issues that have arisen. By
making written notes of these in advance, the couple will find it easier to stick to an agenda, and be prepared for the next period of absence. Fun dates can also be planned in advance, and can keep the couple in touch with their hobbies, personal interests and circle of friends.
One word of advice. Alcohol needs to be used with respect, since a couple doesn’t need an alcohol or hangover fuelled fight just before they have to part again for a while.
- Some couples whose careers require lengthy periods of absence budget and schedule one excursion air fare during discount periods, to give them time alone as a couple. Although couples may love their children, they also need the occasional couple weekend away for themselves, free of parenting duties. Grandparents, uncles and aunts can often help with this, and the children get to spend extra time with
these relatives.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is petecope.sasktelwebsite.net.
