Q: We are having a discussion about who and who not to include in our final celebration for my mother.
Our grandson is seven years old. He and his great-grandmother had some wonderful times together, but I cannot say that they were close. I doubt that he is going to miss her all that much.
We are not sure that including our grandson in the funeral is of merit to either him or the rest of the family but we also do not want to deliver some kind of a message to him that he is not part of our wonderful family. It is a bit of conundrum for us.
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We are hoping that you can give us an objective take on whether or not seven-year-old boys need to attend their great-grandmothers’ funerals. That might help us figure this thing out.
A: The easy answer to this is that whether or not your grandson goes to his great-grandmother’s funeral is most likely a decision he can make for himself.
For sure, you do not want to force the issue. If he has decided that he does not want to attend, don’t make him go. On the other hand, it is most likely that he is not sure himself whether he wants to go to the funeral.
Don’t forget that he has little, if any, information about what a funeral is about and that runs interference with what might be a reasonable or rational decision for either him or you to make.
What is the most significant responsibility in this is for you and his parents to help your grandson make that decision himself.
This leads to a discussion about death and dying that many children his age probably should have, but likely don’t.
All of us are living in a protective world. We hide people who are dying either in hospitals or long-term care facilities and we speak in hushed tones when talk of mortality comes up.
We need to be a bit more open about this. Whatever you and your grandson finally decide about the funeral, having that discussion at least broaches the forbidden fruit for him and gives him cause to consider the reality that death and dying poses for all of us.
My hope is that you and his mom and his dad will sit down with your grandson before the funeral and go through with him what is likely to happen during the funeral and during the days leading up to it.
Some people have wakes and that needs to be discussed if that is part of your tradition.
Many churches have prayers the night before the funeral. Let him know what happens here. And then depending on either the church involved or the funeral director, you can go over the process of what is to happen.
I hope that you can understand that you do not need to be alone in this discussion. Most funeral directors and most ministers and pastors are likely willing to share their resources with you and your grandson to help him more fully appreciate what is happening and to help him make that decision.
