Q: Not that long ago my husband died. His death was not entirely unexpected, he had been dealing with exploding cancer cells for much of the past few years. Nevertheless, when he finally did pass it came as something as a shock both to me and to our now adult sons.
All of us were with him when he died and the boys check in on my regularly to ensure that I am not struggling too much. But for all of that it is still hard. I have a number of sleepless nights and very often during the day I get what is almost like an attack of loneliness.
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Vintage power on display at Saskatchewan tractor pull
At the Ag in Motion farm show held earlier this year near Langham, Sask., a vintage tractor pull event drew pretty significant crowds of show goers, who were mostly farmers.
But, something happened the other day that caught me off guard. I never did like driving my husband’s old truck so I took a few dollars down to our local dealership and I bought a newer car for myself. It was the strangest thing. When I was test driving this and that for cars and trying my best to check things out to make sure that I did not make too bad a deal, I had a feeling like I was not alone.
It was almost as if my husband was sitting in the passenger seat right beside me, test driving the vehicle, and telling me to watch for whatever in the car. I, or more precisely we, was having the time of my life. I am pretty sure that I picked out the car which he would have chosen for me and I had a great time doing it. But I am wondering about all of this.
So much of my time has been overwhelmed with sadness and loneliness and despair that I am feeling a little guilty that I and my imaginary husband had fun getting the new car.
Is there any chance that you can explain this to me?
A: I hope that you are not expecting me to answer what seems to have been something with spiritual relevance going on with you. That goes beyond my skill.
What you had was a wonderful experience. You might talk to either your minister or pastor about it. But I can talk to you a little bit about interpersonal relationships and that might help you appreciate better what was going on.
When two people commit to an intense interpersonal relationship, such as when they get married, they are, what the literature calls, attaching to each other. I don’t mean by attaching that they are necessarily clinging on to each other, or gripping the other person in some kind of an inescapable hold. By attaching I am referring to that part of the brain that we use for thinking. In this area each of us has strengths and weaknesses.
What we very often do is align ourselves with someone who has strengths that we don’t have and weaknesses where we might be stronger. It is simple isn’t it? You husband became more of a complete person by learning what he could from your strengths and you became so by picking up from some of his strong points.
Your husband was the car guy. When you were test driving a vehicle you were using whatever it was you learned from him during those many years when the two of you moved from one vehicle to another. In fact you learned so much from him that it was as if he was actually making the decision about which car you would ultimately purchase. It was like he was sitting right beside you.
And isn’t that wonderful?
Although not really there, he was in a way still they’re beside you. Maybe you don’t have to feel quite so sad, or regret his loss quite so dearly. Maybe all that you really have to do is understand that he is an important part of who you are and become more of a complete person by accepting those moments of influence from him that are going to help you heal from your grieving.
