Q: When I was two years old, my stepfather moved into our house and took control of our family. I knew then, and I have always known, that he is and was a rigid man. He was always setting high expectations for the four of us kids and seldom smiled or let us know that he was a caring human being and appreciated what we did.
Those high expectations have continued to haunt me throughout my life. They led to several years of alcohol addictions and cost me my own children.
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I did not know how to effectively relate to them. The day came when they turned their backs on me and refused anything but casual contact.
I would like to rid myself of the high expectations that I am carrying around with me but I do not know how. What do you suggest?
A: What you were looking for as a child was praise and love from your stepfather but instead you received criticism and demands.
That must have been heart breaking but maybe it did not have to be. It’s possible that you have misunderstood the constant critique from your stepfather.
You likely took his criticism as a rejection of who you were and are as a person, but that may not be the case.
It could be that when he set high expectations for you, he was giving you a vote of confidence that you could achieve more than what you expected from yourself.
“I love you” comes in many different ways. You may regret that your stepdad was not more open with you about his feelings.
That might have taught you to be more open and caring with your own children. But he didn’t and you have carried that burden for years.
Perhaps your stepdad appreciated you more than you understood. The “I love you” may not have been as clear to you as you might have wanted it to be but it was probably there.
It is worth your while to learn to say “I love you” in a different way to both your children and grandchildren. Start by practising “I love you” in front of a mirror before saying it openly to your children.
Remember, they want their dad to love them just as much as their dad wanted his stepdad to love him.
It is a continuous cycle that you have the ability to break.
