Q: Sometimes I get frustrated with my dad. He is good to my children. He is patient, stops whatever he is doing to listen to their stories and seems to enjoy shopping for presents for them. He was never like that to his own children. He was impatient with us, and come harvest or a late spring planting, he was sometimes verbally abusive. I longed for a better relationship and I continue to want to relate to him better but I continue to distrust him. When I see the bonds developing with my children, I get hurt and jealous. Why couldn’t he have been like that when I was a child? What can I do about it now?
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A: What is going on with your father is common for some men. In midlife, they change from being hard driven, goal oriented autocrats to warm and sensitive caring old men.
When you were a child, your dad had more responsibilities than he has now. He had to make sure that all of you had a roof over your heads and food on the table. All it took was one bad crop year or a sudden drop in the market for that responsibility to burden your father.
You probably saw your dad’s impatience as anger and frustration but more likely it was fear and trepidation. He may have had an underlying fear that he would someday lose the farm and was unsure what would happen to his family in that event.
He has continued to farm because he loves farming, not because he needs to provide for his family. And now he has time to enjoy his grandchildren.
For many men, the shift to middle age is about more than reconciliation with their families. They begin to worry less about strategies for survival and think more about the real meaning in their lives.
They wonder what is important to them. Commitments to their churches are stronger and the love of family is more genuine.
Talk to your dad. He may regret who he was when you were growing up, but neither of you can do much about that. The task is to live for the day, to forget and forgive and enjoy your dad as the man who enjoys playing with his grandchildren.
