Q: We think our daughter is being targeted by a clique in her Grade 9 classroom.
How do we help her?
A: I suspect you need to sit down with your daughter and help her understand the difference between having groups of friends and being a member of a clique.
She will make friends drawn from interests and activities that they share.
Maybe they watch movies together, play ball, dream about going to university or have fun teasing the boys. They have fun together, support each other in the classroom and, apart from being a touch noisy now and then, are never more than an inconvenience to their responsibilities at home and at school.
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Cliques are different. The drawing card to a clique is some kind of social acceptability, small “p” political persuasion, and the threat of social ostracism to any who do not conform to stringent demands of the group.
Cliques will challenge the authority of the family and do what they can to undermine the intent of the classroom teacher, subtle as it may sometimes be.
There is nothing of merit about a clique. For kids who are struggling a bit with their social identity, cliques can be devastating. They target and hurt kids they deem unacceptable and draw on the fear of reprisal for any who challenge the authority of the clique or threaten to ignore it.
The good news is that cliques most often break up and disappear as kids get older and carve their own ways into the world, getting jobs, going to college, getting married or moving elsewhere.
But until then, they can have a profoundly negative influence on kids who are not embraced by the clique.
Your daughter needs some tools, not to learn how to be accepted by the clique, but to withstand the negative effects the clique might have on her personal development.
You can help her, first by helping her appreciate that cliques are not at all healthy. It is best for her to avoid them.
I do not mean physically avoiding them. That is hard to do when all of them are sitting in the Grade 9 classroom together. I mean emotionally avoiding them.
She avoids the cliques by focusing on her personal interests. What is it that makes her the person she is? Is she into sports? Music? Watching movies with friends? Teasing boys? Planning a university career? Is she a great friend? One who cares about others? A good student? You can encourage her to follow the natural bend of her personal interests and try to spend time with those kids who share her interests. She will find them outside of the clique.
The hardest part for your daughter is dealing with the day-by-day assault from the cliques. It is difficult and it is not something you can do for her.
But what you can do is help her build on her self-esteem. Whatever she does well, tell her about it. Whatever she can do better, encourage her. That with which she struggles, support her.
The more positive the environment of your home, the more likely she will see her way through some of the torment that comes from the clique.
And then when she makes a friend outside of the clique, it is likely a long-term BFF.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan. Contact: jandrews@producer.com.
