In many small businesses, it’s common to see husbands and wives, business partners or mixed-gender teams running the operation together. It can be incredibly rewarding.

It can also be frustrating.

Why? Because men and women often think differently. Not better or worse, just different.

One metaphor I’ve found helpful over the years comes from the book Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti by Bill and Pam Ferral. It paints a picture:

Men tend to compartmentalize. Like waffles, their minds operate in boxes. One thing at a time.

Women tend to connect everything. Like spaghetti, their thoughts are interwoven.

Understanding this isn’t about stereotyping. It’s about becoming curious. And if you’re going to lead well — especially across gender lines — you’ll need that curiosity.

Here are three essential practices:

1. Self-awareness before strategy

Respect means not rolling your eyes when your spouse wants to talk about how everything connects to everything.

It also means you don’t shut down when your business partner seems focused on only one thing.

Respect says, “I see you. I trust there’s a reason you’re thinking this way.”

Curiosity is key. Instead of judging the difference, learn from it.

2. Ask questions

Demanding someone engage in a conversation with you is a wall-building venture. It says, “Talk to me now,” which almost always triggers defensiveness, especially when tension is high.

Instead, try “Hey, I’d love to understand more about what you’re thinking. Can we talk later today?”

Good questions invite trust. Demands create distance.

3. Be neutral and intentional

Open, honest conversations don’t just happen. You have to create space for them. And that space needs to feel safe.

That means coming into the conversation ready, not reactive.

Not weaponizing emotion.

Not trying to win.

Sometimes the best move is to walk away for now and come back later with curiosity, not a case to argue. That’s what real leadership looks like in relationships.

If you’re leading with someone who thinks differently than you, don’t run from the tension. Learn from it.

Understanding how men and women process, respond and communicate is one of the most overlooked leadership skills.

And it changes everything.

For instance, I remember a time when I was a very angry, reactive person. My family was always on edge, never sure when I was going to blow up. And honestly, most of what set me off were things I couldn’t control anyway, such as the weather, markets and other people’s behaviour.

It felt like I was carrying the weight of the world, and I didn’t know how to put it down.

Then I was introduced to something called the Thought Model, and my world did a complete 180 — not overnight, but slowly, steadily and deeply. I began to see that the way I thought about the situation was often more powerful than the situation itself.

There’s a quiet shift that happens when we start to separate what we can control from what we can’t — or, more importantly, when we realize how much power we actually have in the way we think.

A mindset shift isn’t just about “staying positive.” It’s about recognizing that our thoughts create our feelings, which shape how we respond to situations.

Consider the difference between “this is too much, I can’t do this,” and “this is a lot, but I’ve done hard things before.”

It’s subtle, but that one shift in thinking can be the difference between spiraling and staying grounded.

Resilience isn’t about pretending things are easy. It’s about learning how to lead yourself emotionally through the hard times.

It’s choosing to return, again and again, to the space where calm, clarity and choice still live — even when the world around you is unpredictable.

And when you start noticing your thoughts, that’s where the door really opens. The Thought Model offers a way to see the full picture: what you’re thinking, how it’s making you feel and why you’re showing up the way you are.

It’s a map back to yourself, to a grounded, empowered way of leading.

When you understand the whole picture, a whole new perspective becomes available, one that’s not ruled by circumstances, but by clarity, curiosity and intentional choice.

Arlen Motz is a community-rooted farmer and leadership coach.