Q: Sometimes I think that life has been more than unfair to me.
I was the oldest in a family of five children. I was the one who hid my brothers and sisters when my father came home from the bar, drunk and violent and always threatening us.
Some weekends, both of my parents would party, and that meant that I looked after everyone else. I did not know much about cooking but somehow I managed to put food on the table for the rest of the kids.
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Despite the odds stacked against us, we survived. In fact the others are doing very well.
I was the one who got them to school on time, who helped with homework in the evening and who made sure that they understood the meaning of responsibility.
I do not ask for much in return for all that I did, but a little appreciation would be nice.
Instead of praise and appreciation for all those years I dedicated to my family, I get accused of being a controller and I am often picked on when someone needs a scapegoat. Can I do anything to get from my brothers and sisters to give me the respect that I think I deserve?
A: You deserve a lot more than respect. You should be nominated for the Governor General’s Award for citizenship.
You sacrificed your own childhood to ensure your siblings had opportunities that you were being denied. You are to be commended.
Unfortunately, that whole scenario has left you wanting.
Let’s face it. Kids growing up want to be loved and nurtured by caring parents. You probably got none of that. And wouldn’t it be nice if you could get some of that now.
The problem is that you can’t. What you missed when you were a child is still missing and likely will be for much of your life. Your best bet is to quit looking for that in other people and start building up your own sense of self-appreciation.
Instead of waiting for thanks from your siblings, you should look at their successes and understand that you are in many ways responsible for what they have achieved.
Who knows what successes might be there waiting for you to enjoy if you invested as much in yourself as you did in the lives of others.
Most programs for addictions services have groups for adult children. They are for those who, like you, lost their childhoods while trying to take on responsibilities of their parents in caring for the family.
Perhaps one of these groups will help you develop a sense of satisfaction and self-worth for what you accomplished.
